Coping with Loss
How do I move Forward?
I’ve been asked several times during my life: “CJ, you’ve lost someone. This really hurts. How do I move forward after losing my partner?”
To move forward after losing a spouse, you put one foot in front of the other one. Repeat until you make it across the room, or to the bathroom, or to the kitchen, or wherever else you have to get to.
I know. I’m sure my quick answer sounded like I was being a smart ass, but I assure you, I am just being honest, because I’ve been there. Losing a spouse can be the single most difficult time of anyone’s life. Moving forward can be right up there with having a normal thought … nearly impossible.
At first, it’s all you can do just to get out of bed in the morning. Your whole world, or what used to be your whole world, was turned upside down. It becomes this strange foreign place, cold and unrecognizable, where everything is different.
There’s a paradox there, that I’d like to explain. Your eyes see your old world. People mowing lawns, children laughing and playing, birds chirping, a gentle breeze blowing the curtains at the window … and you wonder how can that all remain the same? It’s your heart that feels the difference.
Your days are filled with visits from well-meaning friends and family, phone calls, and in between are too many choices to ask a bruised and incapable mind to even consider.
You don’t want to think about burial plots, cemeteries, funeral homes, an obituary, or who the hell you want to handle the guest book during calling hours. Those are all things that will hurt. Those are all things that might make your new world real.
That’s when you will make this vow:
“This loss will be my yardstick for measuring pain. Nothing can, or ever will, hurt me this badly again because now I know what real pain is …”
Grief has a tried and true road you have to travel. There are no short cuts and you can’t put it off until later. Take as long as you need, as long as you don’t bury the feelings. Grief therapy is very helpful. So are groups that focus on partners coping with the loss of a partner.
I ask that you remember one thing: Life is not over even though it seems to be. There is still life to be lived and happiness to share.