Elm Street Smoke Shop

The famous 'Back Room'

Years ago, I was part of a radio advertising sales team for a major radio station in New Hampshire. My very first commercial was controversial, to say the least ...

As a conscientious new-hire, I was intent on doing my best. The first thing every morning, coffee in hand, I scoured the newspaper for new business startups. Since I was new, I wasn’t comfortable (yet) stealing another radio station’s clients, so I concentrated on new business openings. By the second day, I had several appointments set up for the week.

My first was with the owner of a new smoke shop near our radio station, The Elm Street Smoke Shop. I was determined to make it my first commercial sale.

The owner was excited to talk about advertising. Our station was his long-time favorite. He agreed with the advertising spots I proposed, the length of the promotion, and the total cost presented no problem for him.

Holy smokes! (pun intended) It was almost too easy.

The only thing left to discuss was what type of commercial he wanted. Something simple with a male voice-over reading a script? A musical jingle with the script in the words? Humorous? Serious?

He spoke right up and said he wanted something funny, something people would remember, something to bring them in —in droves. Then he laughed, enjoying the possibility.

I went to work making a list:

“Tell me all about your smoke shop. What will you be selling?”

Magazines, A to Z
Cigars - huge selection
Pipes and Pipe Tobacco
Cigarettes — Cartons or by the Pack
Lighters
Hot dogs
Sausages
Candy
Gum
Bags of Assorted Chips
Coffee and a Coffee Club. Every 10th cup is free.
Juices, Sodas, Bottled Water
Lottery tickets

“Excellent. Now, which is your biggest money-maker? We’ll want to capitalize on that, maybe mention it several times in the commercial. Since it’s a smoke shop, would that be the pipes? The cigars?”

“Neither, Ma’am. My biggest money-maker is the back room.”

“The back room? What back room?”

He took me to the back of the smoke shop and through a pair of white old-time swinging bar doors hung in a doorway.

OMG … No … No … Nooo …

The back room was XXX-rated.

There were two center aisles with shelving on either side. Two were full of pornographic movies —in alphabetical order (of course), and another was filled with sex toys, man-sized vibrators, oils, blow-up dolls, and a myriad of male enhancements of all kinds.

OMG, OMG …

All of the walls were covered with whips, chains, leather things, role-playing outfits, and various other XXX-rated items.

I was stunned.

By then, it was time for lunch and I was glad to excuse myself. I told him I would be in touch.

I headed to a little diner a block away and ordered chicken noodle soup and iced tea. There was only one thing on my mind ...

How was I going to DO this? Could a commercial even BE written to include “The Back Room”?

Three bites into my soup —I suddenly KNEW what to do.

I paid, left a tip, and ran back to the radio station. I would make it work, because it would be a money-maker for the client, the radio station —and me, since I was paid on commission.

When I finished writing it, I took everything to the Station Manager. I had to make sure the commercial wouldn’t break any broadcasting rules.

He assured me it would be okay. He clapped me on the back for a job well-done, considering it was my first commercial.

Then I headed to the broadcast room and put the script in the queue for production, with a note to please use hillbilly accents.

Then I waited …

Finally, the commercial was done. I listened and was pleased. That afternoon, the smoke shop owner heard it and he not only approved it, he was thrilled!

He paid for ads to begin during rush hour on opening day, then several more times a day and every evening for an entire week.

Here’s the commercial … (hillbilly accent, please)

Billy Bob: “Hey Charlie, you hear about the new Elm Street Smoke Shop?”

Charlie: “That be the place with the back room?”

Billy Bob: “It’s The Elm Street Smoke Shop, Charlie. It has EVERthang you want: magazines (A to Z), cee-gars, pipes, pipe tobaccy …”

Charlie: “Yeah, I got that, Billy Bob, but what’s the back room all about?”

Billy Bob: “If yer hungry, The Elm Street Smoke Shop has hot dogs, sodas, candy, chips, even a coffee club. Every tenth cup is free and ….”

Charlie: “Stop! Tell me what’s in that back room, Billy Bob!”

Billy Bob: “Hold yer horses, Charlie! There’s cigarettes and lighters and if yer wantin’ lottery tickets, you can get ‘em at the Elm Street Smoke Shop, too.”

Charlie: “STOP, BILLY BOB! WHAT’S IN THE BACK ROOM?”

Male Voice-Over: “Visit the new Elm Street Smoke Shop. They have everything you want, or need —oh, and I almost forgot ... there’s also The Back Room … for Adults Only.”

By 9:00 a.m. Monday when the ad first aired, the phone lines were jammed.

The station manager called me into his office. He said people were calling, complaining about the back room commercial! Even the police department and newspaper had called.

“CJ, there’s a traffic jam the ENTIRE length of Elm Street. Everyone must be heading to The Smoke Shop to check out the back room.”

“So, I guess we’ll be pulling the ads …”

“PULLING the ads? HELL NO, CJ! This is what a commercial is supposed to DO! They’re having one hell of a Grand Opening!”

That was over thirty years ago. Last I heard, they still tell new hires about it. Where there’s a will, there’s a way …