My Most Frightening Experience.

Paralyzed with Fear

Not long after I married my first ex, he decided to go to grad school for a Masters Degree in Business Administration (MBA). A Boston College grad, he had always wanted to go to the University of Notre Dame, so he applied and was accepted into their two-year MBA program.

As a former Marine, he would use his G.I. Bill entitlement. I would work full time to put him through school and pay the bills. So we made our move from Boston to South Bend, Indiana.

Two years later, we had a double celebration. Our parents arrived to attend his MBA graduation and to meet their newborn first grandchild on both sides, our daughter, Carrie.

Graduation brought a flurry of interviews in different states and businesses, mostly banks. One interview in particular was a major bank in Chicago, but it was different from the others he interviewed with. This CEO also insisted on interviewing the wives of all job candidates. 

The bank paid for our airline tickets, the downtown hotel, and all of our meals for the two days we would be there.

The hotel was elegant and our room was spacious, but there were no cribs available for our newborn. So to make do, we pulled one of the large drawers from a highboy chest, lined it with folded blankets, and made a crib for her.

The next morning, I awoke to a terrifying silence. I had been nursing Carrie since her C-section birth three weeks earlier and I was used to her waking me several times during the night for her feedings.

I wanted to jump out of bed and run to the drawer to see if Carrie was okay, but I was too frightened to move. What would I do if … (no, no, no, don’t think about that!) … I held my breath and listened, straining to hear a sound, any sound, that would let me know she was okay, or maybe waking up. The only sound I heard was the pounding of my heart.

Paralyzed with fear, I nudged my husband awake. I told him Carrie hadn’t been up during the night for her feedings and I was afraid something was wrong— would he please go see if she was okay?

He said, “What if something IS wrong?” He shook his head. “No, I can’t go. You go look.”

I had never been so afraid.

Taking a deep breath, I got out of bed and tip-toed over to the drawer to look inside. OMG, it was just like the very first time I saw her. I was awed once more by her tiny perfection. Her cheeks were pink, her eyes were open and I could swear she was looking right at me.

Relief and Love streamed down my cheeks.  Carrie had slept through the night for the very first time …

Poet/Writer/Author of 5 books.
Quora Top Writer 2018.
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