Pocket Taser Stun Gun

For Peace of Mind ...

I have no idea who wrote this, (I did a search), but it’s just too good not to share. It was obviously written by a man.

“It was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife, Julie. Then last weekend, I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest:

The Sign Said: “A Pocket Taser Stun Gun is a Great Gift for Your Wife. It will Give her Peace of Mind.”

It was a small 100,000-volt, pink, purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on an assailant, yet allowing adequate time for the attacked person to get to safety.

WAY TOO COOL!

Suitably impressed, I bought the pink taser and brought it home. Per its instructions, I loaded two AAA batteries and pushed the button. Nothing! Hmmm, I was disappointed.

However, I learned when I pushed the button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time, I got a blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.

THAT’S AWESOME. Unfortunately, I’ll have to explain to Julie what the burn spot is on the front of her microwave.

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself it couldn't be all that bad with only two AAA batteries ...

There I sat in my recliner, my cat, Gracie, looking on intently while I read the directions. I was thinking, I really need to try this thing out on a flesh and blood moving target. I must admit, I thought about zapping Gracie, but I thought better of it. She’s such a sweet cat.

However, if I was going to give this to my wife so she can protect herself against a mugger, I needed some assurance that it would work as advertised.

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and her new pink taser in the other.

The directions said: A one-second burst would shock and disorient the assailant. A two-second burst would cause muscle spasms and a loss of bodily control. A three-second burst would make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would only waste the batteries.

Now, I'm looking at this little pink device measuring about 5' long and less than 3/4 inch thick —pretty cute actually —and loaded with two itsy-bitsy AAA batteries, thinking to myself … 'no - possible - way.'

What happened next is beyond description, but I'll do my best ...

I was sitting alone and Gracie was watching me. Eyes wide open, her head was cocked to one side as if to say, 'DON’T DO IT, DIPSHIT,' and I was reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny little ol thing couldn't hurt all that bad.

I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it, so, I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and …

HOLY MOTHER OF GOD! WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION! WHAT THE HELL!

I vaguely recall coming to on my side in a fetal position, tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in an odd position, and both legs tingling.

I'm pretty sure Hulk Hogan ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed both recliner and me on the carpet --over and over and over —then ran out again!

The cat was howling like I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame over the fireplace, trying I suppose to avoid getting smashed by my body flopping all over the living room.

Note: If you ever feel compelled to taser yourself, one note of caution: There is no such thing as a one-second burst. You won’t let go of that thing until it’s dislodged from your hand by death or violent thrashing.

SON-OF-A-BITCH, THAT HURT LIKE HELL!

A minute or so later, (I can't be sure how long, as time was relative at that point), I collected what were left of my wits, sat up and surveyed the landscape.

· My bent and twisted reading glasses were on the mantel.

· The recliner was upside down and 8 feet from where it started.

· My triceps, right thigh, and both nipples were still twitching.

· My face felt like it had been shot with Novocain.

· My bottom lip weighed 88 lbs.

· I had no control over the drooling.

· Apparently I pooped myself, but I was too numb to know for sure because my sense of smell was gone.

· A faint cloud of smoke rose from my head --I believe it came from my hair.

· I'm still looking for my nuts … I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return.”

Published Poet/Writer/Author of 5 books.
Quora Top Writer 2018
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