The Things Kids Say

At Author School Visits

Author school visits are so much fun.  The pay is fantastic and when you add in book sales from the school visit, there’s no better way for an Author to grow their bank account. Unless you’re the infamous Stephen King, there’s not much money in royalties from book sales.

I did as many as I could after my first book was published in June of 2000, and then two other children’s books in 2012.  I would still be doing them now, if my arthritis hadn’t become a major problem.

There’s a lot of walking and a lot of stairs in most schools, plus, I’m not the type of person who can sit in a chair, or stand in one spot doing a presentation —-I’m excitable and I’m all over the stage, or classroom getting the kids pumped up for poetry.

The other morning over coffee, I told Robert how much I missed the adrenalin rush and all of the children.  They are the icing on the cake, the cake being the school visits.  I thought it would be fun to share some of the strange and funny things children said, or asked, during and after school presentations.

They're just too cute not to share:

"Can I call you Miss CJ? I don't think my mom would let me say your last name. It's a bad word, right?"

“You write like you’re still a kid. Are you really a grownup?”

"My teacher told us before you came today that we had to guess what C.J. stands for, so I guessed it was Carla Jane. That was way, way wrong.  I’m sorry about that."

I asked if anyone had a question at the end of one presentation and a little girl yelled out, "I do, I do! Where did you buy your boots?"

Here are some more:

"Can I come to your house? Does it look like a library, or is it like a bookstore?”

"You write about stuff kids think about. How old ARE you? I mean really."

"I love your poem, ”Barking Spiders”.  My dad is gonna laugh when I tell him about that. He always tells me to pull his finger and then he farts and laughs, but he tells me it was an invisible elephant that did it."

Barking Spiders

The barking spiders all move in
just past dinnertime.
Some big, some small, they come to call
floating on the wind behind.

Each is clearly noticed,
although they can't be seen.
You're positive they're there though,
'cause your nose is very keen.

You know you can't outrun 'em
and a net won't get 'em caught.
Your friends laugh 'cause they're funny ...
Your mom yells 'cause they're not.

So open all the windows!
Crack the vents real fast!
'Cause these aren't normal spiders ...
barking spiders are … just gas.

"Did your dad really tell you the stuff between your toes is toe jam? I would never put that on my peanut butter sandwich."

Toe Jam

Can anybody tell me 
what's that stuff between my toes?
My daddy says it's 'toe jam'
but I don't think he really knows.

It's icky and it's fuzzy
and I think I'll tell my dad ...
I wouldn't put it on MY bread 
if it was the ONLY jam we had.

"Do you have a poem about a mom sitting IN the toilet 'cause the dad left the seat up? My mom always does that and then she yells ‘cause the water is cold."

"I love reading your books. Do you like being rich?"

(Ahhhh, the naivete of a child. I only wish …)

"I want to write books, too, but my sister says my writing stinks."

"I forgot to bring any paper. Can you sign my shirt?"

Take a deep breath before trying to say this one:

"You know your poem about losing a tooth? Well, I lost my tooth one day and mom had to write a note to the tooth fairy because I swallowed my tooth so I couldn't put it under my pillow and I didn't think the tooth fairy would come and leave me any money so I cried, but you know what? She did! So, I'm not going lose any more teeth in case I might swallow those too."

My Tooth

The toothfairy took my tooth lath night
And left thome money, too.
But now I can't thay wordth too well
And I don't know what I'll do.

What if my friendth all laugh at me
Becauth I thpeak like thith?
What if they won't come over
And thereth no one to play with?

Hey gueth what? My friend juth called.
He lotht hith tooth today!
You know what elth? He thoundth like me!
He wanth to come and play!

And this one is my favorite:

"Yeah, I have a question! (pointing) Do you see that guy over there, the one in the blue shirt sitting by my mom? (proudly) He's my dad. That was him laughing real loud when you read the poem about your brother's stinky feet. That's 'cause my mom says his feet smell like he stepped in dog poop."

(Oh dear, nothing is sacred … poor dad).

My Brother’s Feet

PEW! My brother's feet are stinky
And he's hard to sit beside!
Mom makes him take his sneakers off
And leave them —-they’re outside.

She really shouldn't do that,
It's not something she can hide
'Cause he brings the smell right with him
On his socks and feet inside.

EWW! That smell is really awful!
His feet must be nearby.
Gee, my brother isn't home now ...
Oh my gosh, it's mine!