When we’ve been abused, it’s human nature to feel resentment and anger. We feel like a victim and like we have no control. We can’t begin to get over it and move forward, until we change our way of thinking.
Once we realize abuse is about the abuser, not about us, we can take back our control. We are not the problem — they are. We are not victims of abuse. We are survivors.
Forgiveness is not something we do for the abuser. Forgiveness is what we do for us. It sets us free, so we can move forward and begin to heal. So, if forgiveness is for us to help us heal, why is it so hard to forgive? Isn’t forgiving excusing the abuser?
Forgiving doesn’t mean we are excusing them.
It doesn’t mean we have to tell them they are forgiven.
It doesn’t mean we shouldn't have any more feelings about it.
It doesn’t mean the relationship is, or ever will be, okay again.
It doesn’t mean we should forget what happened. We have to learn from it, so we never allow it to happen again.
It doesn’t mean we have to keep the person in our life.
Forgiving isn’t something we’re doing for the other person.
We forgive because it sets us free. It does not absolve the abuser. Only by forgiving can we begin to heal and move forward. Special thanks to a friend who pointed out that we also need to forgive ourselves.
There is a tendency to blame ourselves for being stupid for staying, for even allowing it to happen, and for not finding a way out sooner. This is just not true.
It takes a plan, resources, an iron will, and a huge dose of courage to get out of an abusive situation or relationship and everyone arrives at their own pace of readiness.
We have to remember, we are not victims of abuse. We are survivors.
Forgive and Heal …
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Most people find it almost impossible to "forgive" because they think it means all those things you mentioned. I know that I did and truthfully, still do. The closest I've been able to come is to "Just Let it Go." The word I have used in the past (thankfully no longer a need for it) is "Release"--I release from my mind all the pain of abuse and tortured memories that I'd been sheltering there. I tell myself, It's all over now, it's been over--now it's time to stop torturing myself with the memory of the pain and release it.
There was a time, many, many moons ago, when I was that "one"--not always, just whenever I spent to much time getting martini refills. ;-))