Growing Old Isn't for Sissies

Common Misconceptions

Young people sometimes ask what the biggest misconception is about growing old. I tell them there isn’t just one. There are a whole lot of little ones. Robert and I are continually surprised when another one pops up.

Problem is, no one who's traveled this road of aging shares what to expect with younger folks. They love our look of shock as we discover things on our own. Then they enjoy a thigh-slapping laugh at our expense.

(the nasty boogers).

I’d like to know why there aren’t any books on the subject? How about …

“What Can I Expect? I’m Growing Older"
“Getting Old for Dummies"
“Okay, I'm Old. Now What?”
“Growing Old Isn’t for Sissies”

It wouldn't be a hard book to write. A few of the ‘surprises’ began to appear about the time we reached 55. Robert and I are both in our 70’s, so we’ve probably experienced a whole chapter or two already. Had we known how many there would be, we would have carried a notebook to write them in ...

So, you ask, what are these ‘surprises’? I’m not one to disappoint, so I'll give you a few. None are life-changing, only bothersome.

1. You lose control of your spit monitor. Mid-sentence, you inhale spit. What follows is coughing of epic proportions, your throat closes, you can't breathe and when you finally do, your voice is raspy, or even missing for awhile.

2. Men lose head hair. The hair grows south instead —thick in ears, eyebrows, and nose.

3. Women, it's different. Hair stops growing on legs, armpits, and hoo-ha. Instead, it sprouts on the upper lip, chin, and in the nose.

4. Dwindling spatial awareness. I’m not sure if it’s because arms and legs have a late growth spurt, or we just lose sight of where they are. You walk through a doorway and smack a hand, leg, or arm on the door jamb.

5. Sleep claims ‘open season’ on daytime hours and it has nothing to do with how well you slept last night. It’s only an hour here, or there, but if you’re unfamiliar with naps, it’s a huge surprise.

6. Night time flatulence. Yep, talking about barking spiders. Never heard Robert do that before. An exclamation point or a series of hyphens now accompany his every roll over.

7. You think more about the Hereafter: you go in a room, stop, scratch your head, and ask, “Now, what did I come here after?”

8. The mirror phantom starts to show up. You pass a mirror, peek in, and YOU are gone. There’s an old lady or old man in there. The kicker is, they won’t move aside so you can see YOU anymore.

9. Tongue Duty Failure: The tongue gets forgetful and allows chewed food to prematurely slide down the throat to find a tiny opening to bronchial tubes, a break down of the automatic function, and coughing.

10. “Never Gamble with a Fart.” This hasn’t happened to Robert or me yet. The danger: if you gamble with a fart and lose, you could find your pants full of more than just hot air …

11. Balance takes a hike: tippy-toe left, or right. Have to grab a wall to stop.

12. Short Term Memory Error: This allows total recall of every memory you ever had of childhood —but you can’t remember what you had for lunch today, or whether you even had lunch.

13. Arthur Itis comes to visit. He isn’t a welcome guest and his host and hostess gifts are lousy. He’s a royal pain in joints, knees and spine …

14. “I have to have reading glasses in every room of the house because I can’t see sh-t! Thanks Carole!

15. One day you wake up to find your toenails have turned to horse’s hooves. Nasty, nasty and hard to trim! Thank you, Wen!

If you're close to my age, (75), you may be familiar with one or more of these already. Just know, you aren’t alone.

The question is: should we be nice and warn the younger generation, or let them find out the same way we did?

(Yeah, my sentiments exactly)

“And the beat goes on ...”

Poet/Writer/Author of 5 books.
Quora Top Writer 2018.
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