The Hair Wax Incident

An experience with bikini line waxing

Men, this will give you a first-hand, sneak peek at what some women go through to have nice and tidy bikini lines … for the beach … and for you. 

I have no idea who wrote this, but it’s definitely worth a read.  I hope you enjoy it as much as I did ...

-*-

“The Hair Wax Incident”
(Author Unknown)

“My night began as any normal weeknight ... I came home, fixed dinner, played with the kids, got them into PJs, read them a story, and tucked them in bed with a kiss. 

Then I had a brilliant idea that would occupy my mind —-and body for the next several hours:

"Summer is here and I’m heading to the beach. I think I’ll pull the waxing kit out of the medicine cabinet." So I headed to the the bathroom.

It was one of those easy 'cold wax' kits. No melting a clump of hot wax. The directions said, “Rub the strips together in your hand until they get warm; peel them apart and press to your leg (or wherever else) and pull the hair right off. No muss, no fuss.”

How hard could that be? I mean, I was no genius, but I was mechanically inclined enough to believe this would be a piece of cake.  I can do this.

(YA THINK?)

So I pulled one of the thin strips out of the box –-It was actually two strips facing each other and they were stuck together. Instead of rubbing them together for friction-warming, my genius kicked in.  I decided I knew what would work faster, so I got out the hair dryer and heated the strip that way.  Cold wax, yeah, right.

I laid the strip across my thigh, held the skin around it tight, and pulled. Hey, it works! OK, so it wasn't the best feeling in the world, but it wasn't THAT bad. I can do this! Hair removal no longer eluded ME!

"I am She-Rah, fighter of all wayward body hair and maker of smooth skin extraordinaire!"

So, with my next wax strip, I left my thigh and confidently moved north. After checking on the kids, I sneaked back to the bathroom for the ultimate hair fighting championship. I dropped my panties and placed one foot on the toilet.

Using the same procedure, I applied the wax strip across the right side of my bikini line, covered the right half of my hoo-ha, and because it was a nice long strip, I stretched it down to the inside of my butt cheek. I inhaled deeply and braced myself ... RRRRIIIIPPPP!

Oh My Gawd!  "The PAIN!  I'm blind!  I'm totally blind!  OH MY GAWD!"

My vision slowly returned and I noticed I had only managed to pull off half the strip. CRAP! I took another deep breath and RRRIIIPPP!  Now everything was spinning and my vision was spotted.

I thought, I’m gonna pass out!  I had to stay conscious.  I HAD to stay conscious. Did I hear crashing drums? (breathe, breathe).  OK, almost back to normal.

Now I want to see my trophy -- the wax covered strip that caused me so much pain, with my hairy pelt sticking to it. I want to revel in the glory that’s my triumph over body hair and my ego for overcoming horrendous pain.

I held up the strip, but it was not full of hair. Matter of fact, there was nothing on the strip at all.  WAIT!  Where was the hair? WHERE THE HELL WAS THE WAX?

Slowly, I eased my head downward for a peek, with my foot still perched on the toilet. I saw the hair, the hair that was supposed to be on the strip but was not! I hesitantly touched it. What I was touching WAS WAX!

I ran my fingers over the most sensitive part of my entire body ---it was now covered in cold wax and matted hair. Then I made the next BIG mistake ---remember, my foot was still propped on the toilet, right? Well, I knew I needed to do SOMEthing, so I put my foot down.

“No! No!   NOOO!  Oh My GAWD!  I AM SEALED SHUT! My butt and hoo ha are sealed shut. Oh Sweet Lord, my friggin' butt Is entirely sealed shut and so’s my hoo ha!”

I penguin-walked around the bathroom trying to figure out what to do and I thought to myself, 'Please, God, don't let me get the urge to poop!  My head may pop off!'

What can I do to melt the wax?

Hot water! Yes! Hot water COULD melt wax! I thought, "I will run the hottest water I can stand into the bathtub, get in, and immerse the wax-covered part of me. The wax should melt and then I can gently wipe it off.  Right?"

‘WRONG!”

I got in the tub. The water was slightly hotter than what they used to torture prisoners of war, or sterilize surgical equipment.  Frantic, I sat down.

Now, the only thing worse than having your nether region and your hoo ha glued together, is having them glued together AND glued to the bottom of a bathtub in scalding hot water, which, by the way, does NOT melt cold wax.

Oh Noooo, now what?

So, (picture this) I was stuck to the bottom of the tub --I had cemented myself to the porcelain!

God bless the man who convinced me a few months ago to have a phone installed in the bathroom!

I called my friend.  She’s waxed before.  Maybe she knows some secret way to get me undone. It would at least be a good conversation starter.

"... so Sally, my butt and hoo-ha are glued together and glued to the bottom of the tub. Tell me what to do to UNDO it."

There was a slight pause on the other end of the phone. She didn't know any secret tricks for wax removal, but she was kind enough to hide her laughter. She wanted to know EXACTLY where the wax was located.

"Are we talking your butt cheeks, or your hoo-ha?"

“Uh huh, we are.  Both.”

Now she was laughing out loud -- I could hear her. She suggested between guffaws that I call the number on the side of the box. YEAH, Right! So then I will be the joke of someone else's night, too?  I don’t think so!

While we went through various solutions, I let the water out of the tub and then resorted to trying to scrape the wax off with a razor. Listen, to me, nothing could feel worse than having your girlie goodies covered in wax, glued shut, stuck to the bottom of a bathtub in super-hot water and then attempting to dry-shave the wax off.

By that time my brain shut down, dignity took a hike, and I was pretty sure I was going to need PTSD counseling when this was over.

My friend was still talking when I finally saw my saving grace .... there in the box was a tiny purple tube of lotion marked, “To Remove Excess Wax.”  What did I have to lose at that point?

I rubbed some on and OH MY GOD!  The scream probably woke the kids (two towns over, even).  I know it scared the hell out of my friend. It was sooo painful, but I really didn't care. It worked! IT WORKED! I got a hearty congratulations from my friend and she hung up.

I successfully removed the remainder of the wax and then noticed to my grief and despair ... THE HAIR WAS STILL THERE -- ALL OF IT.  So, I very gently shaved it off with a razor.

Hell, I was so numb by then, I could have amputated my right leg and not felt a thing. 

Next week I'm going to try hair color ...”

Poet/Writer/Author of 5 books.
Quora Top Writer 2018.
CJ’s World is reader supported.
If you enjoy reading my work, please,
be a paid subscriber so I can continue 
writing.  Thank you!